we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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