i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
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