ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
