Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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