Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
