Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
