the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
