i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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