Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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