Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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