I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You can't just leave with hair like that
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
