Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
