Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
