Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize