He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
