Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
