I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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