i already hear my dad disowning me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
