I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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