making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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