im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
