What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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