Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
false alarm. still invincible.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
