Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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