Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
