i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
