I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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