Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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