I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
