You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
