Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
