Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
