just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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