I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is my gift to your gina
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
