Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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