definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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