I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
