I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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