It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
