your parents love me but you hate me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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