She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
