she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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