when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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