Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She made me pour olive oil on her.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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