Tell her she can't have a vagina
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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