I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You're breaking my sexual little heart
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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