If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
