This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
