My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
