I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
