This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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