why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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