how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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