I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
