i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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