i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just googled if crying burns calories
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
