If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
