When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
tell me about the eggs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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